Ten days after my last post, I was asked the question I had been waiting for almost two years to hear.
Ten days after my last post, I was sitting at BB Rovers, discussing, crying, arguing, deciding, longing, and fearing the anticipation of what the future would bring.
Ten days after my last post, I enjoying a brisk Sunday night chill. I remember it well. I hope I never forget it. From the taste of light beer, to the sound of the band playing at "The Parrish" downtown, to the excitement of relationship, love, and future potential, when I close my eyes, I can remember it all.
And I smile.
I am thankful for that night and the many nights that followed.
I am grateful for the lessons learned and love lost.
I am honored to have been able to grow up in ways that I did not know I needed.
And I smile.
Today is a new day.
Today holds the potential for more.
Today promises greatness.
And I smile.
I am the keeper of my happiness.
I am the leader of my people.
I am the architect of my days.
And I smile.
Ten days from now, I will board a ship that promises relaxation and rest.
Ten days from now, I will forge new and deeper friendships with acquaintances.
Ten days from now, I will breathe easy in hopes of reconnecting with myself.
And I smile.
Father God, find me again.
Father God, remind me again.
Father God, guide me again.
Thursday
ok...here we go...
Something is beginning to change within me...something is not the same.
I'm through with playing by the rules of someone else's game.
It's too late for second-guessing; too late to go back to sleep.
It's time to trust my instincts, close my eyes, and leap...
I'm through accepting limits...just because someone says they're so.
Some things I cannot change, but until I try I'll never know.
For too long I've been afraid of losing love I guess I've already lost...
And if that's love, it comes at much too high a cost.
It's time to try defying gravity...
You can't pull me down anymore.
I'm through with playing by the rules of someone else's game.
It's too late for second-guessing; too late to go back to sleep.
It's time to trust my instincts, close my eyes, and leap...
I'm through accepting limits...just because someone says they're so.
Some things I cannot change, but until I try I'll never know.
For too long I've been afraid of losing love I guess I've already lost...
And if that's love, it comes at much too high a cost.
It's time to try defying gravity...
You can't pull me down anymore.
Tuesday
...from the head to the heart.
Did you know that the Tin Woodman from the Wizard of Oz was actually born with a heart? We all from the movie how Dorothy and the Scarecrow come upon him and free him from a state of permanent "rust induced immobility" by using his oil can to first free his lips and then to free his spirit. But the movie doesn't tell us is that the Tin Woodman had once been a real man, who had once been in love with a beautiful Munchkin maiden. In the original fairy tale, the author explains how it was his dream to marry his true love, once he could save enough money to build them a cottage in the woods. The Wicked Witch hated his love and so she cast spells on him that would cause him injury, so that one by one, his limbs needed to be replaced with artificial ones made of tin. At first, this seemed to be an advantage; his mechanical arms allowing him to work like a machine. With a heart of love and arms that never tired, he found himself in a "win-win" situation.
"I thought I had beaten the Wicked Witch then, and I worked harder than ever, but I little knew how cruel my enemy could be. She thought of a new way to kill my love for the Munchkin maiden and made my axe slip again, so that it cut right through my body, splitting it in two halves. Once more the tinner came to my help making me a body of tin. Fastening my tin arms, and legs, and head to it, by means of joints so that I could move around as well as ever. But alas! I now had no heart, so that I lost my love for the Munchkin girl, and did not care whether I married her or not..."
"It was a terrible thing to undergo, but during the year I stood there I had time to think that the greatest loss I had ever known was the loss of my heart. While I was in love, I was the happiest man on earth; but no one can love who has not a heart, and so I am resolved to ask Oz to give me one. If he does, I will go back to the Munchkin maiden and marry her."
"Both Dorothy and the Scarecrow had been greatly interested in the story of the Tin Woodman, and now they knew why he was so anxious to get a new heart. "All the same," said the Scarecrow, "I shall ask for brains instead of a heart; for a fool would not know what to do with a heart if he had one." "I shall take the heart," replied the Tin Woodman, "for brains do not make one happy, and happiness is the best thing in the world."
(L. Frank Baum, The Wizard of Oz)
The heart is central. Maybe God knows something we've forgotten.
Love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your strength.
Deuteronomy 6:5
Man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.
1 Samuel 16:7
Where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.
Luke 12:34
All a man's ways seem right to him, but the Lord weighs the heart.
Proverbs 21:2
Makes you wonder about all of the importance and relevance we place on intelligence, academic achievement, and aptitude. If we really want to take the measure of a man...maybe we shouldn't place so much importance on whats going on in his head...and take notice of whats going on 18 inches to the South.
"I thought I had beaten the Wicked Witch then, and I worked harder than ever, but I little knew how cruel my enemy could be. She thought of a new way to kill my love for the Munchkin maiden and made my axe slip again, so that it cut right through my body, splitting it in two halves. Once more the tinner came to my help making me a body of tin. Fastening my tin arms, and legs, and head to it, by means of joints so that I could move around as well as ever. But alas! I now had no heart, so that I lost my love for the Munchkin girl, and did not care whether I married her or not..."
"It was a terrible thing to undergo, but during the year I stood there I had time to think that the greatest loss I had ever known was the loss of my heart. While I was in love, I was the happiest man on earth; but no one can love who has not a heart, and so I am resolved to ask Oz to give me one. If he does, I will go back to the Munchkin maiden and marry her."
"Both Dorothy and the Scarecrow had been greatly interested in the story of the Tin Woodman, and now they knew why he was so anxious to get a new heart. "All the same," said the Scarecrow, "I shall ask for brains instead of a heart; for a fool would not know what to do with a heart if he had one." "I shall take the heart," replied the Tin Woodman, "for brains do not make one happy, and happiness is the best thing in the world."
(L. Frank Baum, The Wizard of Oz)
The heart is central. Maybe God knows something we've forgotten.
Love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your strength.
Deuteronomy 6:5
Man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.
1 Samuel 16:7
Where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.
Luke 12:34
All a man's ways seem right to him, but the Lord weighs the heart.
Proverbs 21:2
Makes you wonder about all of the importance and relevance we place on intelligence, academic achievement, and aptitude. If we really want to take the measure of a man...maybe we shouldn't place so much importance on whats going on in his head...and take notice of whats going on 18 inches to the South.
Sunday
secret invasion...
Marvel comics is currently running a crossover called "Secret Invasion." The idea is to tie together all of the superheroes in the Marvel Universe with a common plot. They do this at least every couple of years with a small 3-4 month crossover, but this time I think the idea is to carry it through a full year. It's a great idea and makes for great writing.
Secret Invasion takes place on the premise that many years ago, a group of alien shape-shifters called "Skrulls" decided to replace certain and specific superheroes across the globe in a strategic effort to one day take over the earth. In recent months, the good guys have discovered this plot and are working to stop it. Each week, new heroes are revealed to be be Skrulls and the headline, "Who do you trust?" runs across at least 3 different titles. Each week, more and more of the characters you have come to love and believe in are revealed as aliens... and readers across the globe are shocked and amazed.
The thing I find interesting about this is the way the writers decided to make the infiltration happen. They created characters who are so dedicated to their race and the conquest of Earth, that many of the Skrull replacement heroes don't even realize that they are Skrulls until it's too late. The transformation of their physical and mental forms into that of the person they are replacing is so deep and so complete, that they themselves do not remember their former lives until they are awakened by the phrase, "He loves me." When it is spoken to a sleeper agent, he or she remembers everything and goes forward to do their part for the invasion. At this point in the story, the phrase is suggested to refer to the "first one" who is the foundation of the Skrull race, its religions, and its beliefs.
As Christians, I wonder how much like that we are at times...so deeply rooted in the traditions and beliefs that we have been exposed to since childhood that we have long forgotten those things which made us unique and different to begin with. How much of ourselves have we forgotten simply because we have been told by the church to act and to choose in a certain way.
Now don't get me wrong, I'm not suggesting that Christianity is a bad thing akin to a cult...
I'm not suggesting that listening to the suggestions of our pastors will brainwash us into blindly
making decisions which will demand for us to give up our free will.
I'm just saying that sometimes, I feel like an alien who doesn't really remember who he was created to be. Sometimes I think that there has to be more to following Christ than what the church says. Sometimes I long for a more pure, a more true, a more intimate relationship with the God who chose me. Sometimes I feel like I gave up my life for a cause I knew little about. I've spend many years talking to God and very few actually listening to him. I would like to hear, "He loves you." not because its what we are supposed to say to each other, or because it's the christian thing to do. I want to hear it because it's true. I want to hear it because it's real. I want to hear it because I want to wake up. I want to remember. I want to know. And I want to be truly thankful that the old has gone and the new has come.
Secret Invasion takes place on the premise that many years ago, a group of alien shape-shifters called "Skrulls" decided to replace certain and specific superheroes across the globe in a strategic effort to one day take over the earth. In recent months, the good guys have discovered this plot and are working to stop it. Each week, new heroes are revealed to be be Skrulls and the headline, "Who do you trust?" runs across at least 3 different titles. Each week, more and more of the characters you have come to love and believe in are revealed as aliens... and readers across the globe are shocked and amazed.
The thing I find interesting about this is the way the writers decided to make the infiltration happen. They created characters who are so dedicated to their race and the conquest of Earth, that many of the Skrull replacement heroes don't even realize that they are Skrulls until it's too late. The transformation of their physical and mental forms into that of the person they are replacing is so deep and so complete, that they themselves do not remember their former lives until they are awakened by the phrase, "He loves me." When it is spoken to a sleeper agent, he or she remembers everything and goes forward to do their part for the invasion. At this point in the story, the phrase is suggested to refer to the "first one" who is the foundation of the Skrull race, its religions, and its beliefs.
As Christians, I wonder how much like that we are at times...so deeply rooted in the traditions and beliefs that we have been exposed to since childhood that we have long forgotten those things which made us unique and different to begin with. How much of ourselves have we forgotten simply because we have been told by the church to act and to choose in a certain way.
Now don't get me wrong, I'm not suggesting that Christianity is a bad thing akin to a cult...
I'm not suggesting that listening to the suggestions of our pastors will brainwash us into blindly
making decisions which will demand for us to give up our free will.
I'm just saying that sometimes, I feel like an alien who doesn't really remember who he was created to be. Sometimes I think that there has to be more to following Christ than what the church says. Sometimes I long for a more pure, a more true, a more intimate relationship with the God who chose me. Sometimes I feel like I gave up my life for a cause I knew little about. I've spend many years talking to God and very few actually listening to him. I would like to hear, "He loves you." not because its what we are supposed to say to each other, or because it's the christian thing to do. I want to hear it because it's true. I want to hear it because it's real. I want to hear it because I want to wake up. I want to remember. I want to know. And I want to be truly thankful that the old has gone and the new has come.
Wednesday
time...the ultimate physician
Why is it that time is the only thing that can heal all wounds?
Why isn't there a pill...or a magic potion...or even a universal "phrase" or saying that would work to make things better instantly?
Shane thinks it's because if we had an instant fix, we wouldn't learn from our mistakes or hurts and we would be doomed to repeat them. I think that makes perfect sense...except for the fact that I end up repeating them anyway.
How many times are we faced with the same temptation again and again...and how many times do we fall for it?
I know that I shouldn't have that last cookie...but if I get up extra early tomorrow and run...
I know my budget is really tight this month...but it IS on sale...
I know he said he would be there for me...and when I have this surgery I'm sure he will stand behind his word...in fact, that's one of the things he prides himself on...doing what he says he will do.
But I sat alone all night in a hospital...waiting for a visit...hoping for a phone call...that never came.
At the moment, I'm recovering from a number of wounds...some much deeper than others.
Time will take care of the physical ones.
With the help of my God and my friends...I'm going to take care of the rest.
Why isn't there a pill...or a magic potion...or even a universal "phrase" or saying that would work to make things better instantly?
Shane thinks it's because if we had an instant fix, we wouldn't learn from our mistakes or hurts and we would be doomed to repeat them. I think that makes perfect sense...except for the fact that I end up repeating them anyway.
How many times are we faced with the same temptation again and again...and how many times do we fall for it?
I know that I shouldn't have that last cookie...but if I get up extra early tomorrow and run...
I know my budget is really tight this month...but it IS on sale...
I know he said he would be there for me...and when I have this surgery I'm sure he will stand behind his word...in fact, that's one of the things he prides himself on...doing what he says he will do.
But I sat alone all night in a hospital...waiting for a visit...hoping for a phone call...that never came.
At the moment, I'm recovering from a number of wounds...some much deeper than others.
Time will take care of the physical ones.
With the help of my God and my friends...I'm going to take care of the rest.
Tuesday
...past tense revisited
I saw love once. I saw it clear.
It had no leash. It had no fear.
It gave itself without a thought.
No reservation had it brought.
It seemed so free to demonstrate.
It seems obsessed to orchestrate,
A symphony designed to feed;
Composed to lift the one in need.
Concern for others was its goal.
No matter what would be the toll.
It's strange just how much care it stores;
to recognize it's neighbor's sores..
And doesn't rest until the day;
it's helped to take the sores away.
It's joy retains and does not run.
Until the blessing's job is done.
I knew love once. 'Twas not pretend.
It was my coach. It was my friend.
Swen Nader
It had no leash. It had no fear.
It gave itself without a thought.
No reservation had it brought.
It seemed so free to demonstrate.
It seems obsessed to orchestrate,
A symphony designed to feed;
Composed to lift the one in need.
Concern for others was its goal.
No matter what would be the toll.
It's strange just how much care it stores;
to recognize it's neighbor's sores..
And doesn't rest until the day;
it's helped to take the sores away.
It's joy retains and does not run.
Until the blessing's job is done.
I knew love once. 'Twas not pretend.
It was my coach. It was my friend.
Swen Nader
Sunday
in the land of the blind...
So I had this eye surgery last week and the stitches come out on Wednesday...lets just say I CAN"T WAIT!!! My left eye is about 30% sewn shut and it's driving me crazy.
It doesn't hurt...it's just annoying.
The good news is that, once the stitches come out, all should be well. The bad news is that, just because my eye is fixed, it doesn't mean that everything else is.
But I'm working on it.
They say that in the land of the blind...the one eyed man is king. They also say that "It's good to be king."
I guess whoever said that lost sight of the beauty of the kingdom over which he ruled... or maybe he just thought he ruled over a kingdom...when in reality, no kingdom existed.
I'm thankful to have my eyesight and to know that time will heal all wounds.
Just keep reminding me of that as I take the patch from my eye...and move it to my heart.
It doesn't hurt...it's just annoying.
The good news is that, once the stitches come out, all should be well. The bad news is that, just because my eye is fixed, it doesn't mean that everything else is.
But I'm working on it.
They say that in the land of the blind...the one eyed man is king. They also say that "It's good to be king."
I guess whoever said that lost sight of the beauty of the kingdom over which he ruled... or maybe he just thought he ruled over a kingdom...when in reality, no kingdom existed.
I'm thankful to have my eyesight and to know that time will heal all wounds.
Just keep reminding me of that as I take the patch from my eye...and move it to my heart.
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