It's been seven days today...seven days in darkness.
I spend most of my energy focused on others...praying for them, being strong for them, believing in them, loving them, encouraging them, and seeing them through the eyes of God. I am honored to pour out my life in that way...but today, I'm running on empty. I haven't taken the time to recharge in the last week, and I'm honestly not sure that I want to.
I'm tired. The place from which I draw my strength, has gone very silent. He hasn't abandoned me, he's stretching me. And when he pulls this hard, I close my eyes. My world suddenly becomes very dark. My faith becomes heavy and all encompassing...every minute takes an hour, every inch feels like a mile.
What do I want?
I want my friends back. I want the last seven days back. I want to stop crying. I want to sleep. I want to have an appetite. I want to believe in myself...I just don't know how. I want my friends to see themselves for who they really are, the way that I do... and I want them to be amazed. I want that for myself. I want to stop crying. I want people to stop calling me to tell me it's going to be OK. I know everything is going to be OK...I know that God is in control. I know that. I believe that. I just don't care right now. I want this to be over with. I want to move out of this place. I want want to smile again...on the inside. I want to stop crying.
What do I need?
I need a break. I need to be completely surprised by love. I need for Pat to tell me to suck it up and get over it...and then open a bottle of wine. I need to let it all out and just break down. I need to be held. I need for Susan to tell me it's OK..then I will believe it. I need to hold on to my faith. I need to trust my instincts. I need for Debbie to distract me with a story...I need to hear her voice. I need my friends to get over themselves and to FULLY live their lives. I need to get over myself. I need to feel whole again.
What can you do to help?
Honor their lives. Honor my love for you. (M)Hold on to my heart tightly...and be proud to wear it. Be strong for me. (J)Hold me accountable. Love my sister-in-law with all of your heart. (M)Realize that control does not identify you. Let go of the fear. (R)Make me get out of the house. Be nice to me. (S)Be honest with yourself and admit that you are in over your head. Don't make it about you. (S)Realize that you've given him two years of your life...and let him go. Call me when you think of me, even if I don't answer. (K)Know that she is protected and answering God's call. Make me laugh. (C)Take the job and believe that God will provide. Pray for me. (D)Let go of the job, the contract, and the lifestyle that you hate...just come home. (M)Stop being afraid. Just Believe. (M)Be strong for her. Teach her to ask for help. Cry with me. (K)Believe in yourself. Let us love you. (K)Stop waiting and take a stand. Surprise me.
Pray for me, that I will learn to be still in the darkness ...and in the stillness, find the light.
