...get off of your boat.

Some days I make up the answer as I go….

”I’ve already spoken to him about his behavior and he is on his way to make things right.”

“I can move a couple of things around and be finished by 5:00.”

“Thought you could use a cup of coffee to cheer you up.”

“You are a wonderful friend and I am thankful to have you in my life.”

Some days I don’t know the answer...

“Do I stay in a job that I don’t really enjoy or do I look for other opportunities?” “What do I want to be when I grow up?”
“Why should I buy a house if I’m not sure where my career will take me?”

“Why don’t I have the courage to do what needs to be done?”

“How do I know this is God’s will or my will…can they be the same thing?”

And then there are days when the answer is in sight…so to speak.

It’s just behind the door up ahead. You know the door.

The locked door.

The locked door on the other side of the mountain that stands in front of me.

The locked door on the other side of the mountain that I might be able to climb, if I could just find the strength to leave the boat.

The boat that’s steadily drifting away from the shore of the mountain that stands in front of the locked door that hides the answer that I need.

That’s me there, in the middle of the boat...standing still.

I'm not standing still out of fear or from being overwhelmed...I’m just stalling.
I’m not trying to figure out what to do…I already know the answer.
No matter how analytical I try to be, how much I look for a path that leads around, beside, over, or below what lies in front of me…I know without a doubt, the only way to get there…is to go through it.

Seems to me, that these are the days I find myself faced with most often.

So what about you? Where do you stand with answers?

Where are you in the boat?

Can you see the door?

…the family you want to have…
…the relationship you need to mend…
…the degree you’ve let slip away.

What keeps it locked?

…fear…
…complacency…
…doubt…
…anger…
…loneliness…
…lack of trust…
…lack of faith?

How big is your mountain?

…a St. Helens sized infidelity…
…a Rainer of pride that overshadows love…
…a Kilimanjaro sized loss.

What keeps you on the boat?

…days when you can’t find the words to say…or pray…
…days when just being a little down makes you feel the weight of the world…
…days when you can’t remember what it feels like to just be held…
…days when you’ve looked every where for peace, and all you find is the cross you are called to bear…

So where do we start?

How do we leave the boat?

Come to me. Get away with me and you'll recover your life. I'll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won't lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you'll learn to live freely and lightly."

Matthew 11-28-30

Lord move in the way that I’ve never seen before.
There’s a mountain in the way and a lock on the door
I’m drifting away; waves are crashing on the shore
Lord Move….or Move Me


Lord Move, or Move Me FFH

...another set of eyes.

Today has been a day of introspection, testing, and interesting conversation. I have a tendency to over think and over analyze just about everything around me. To that end, I usually come to some conclusion about things, keep it to myself, and then second guess myself at some later date. That seems to be my "M.O." Well not today.

Make a careful exploration of who you are and the work you have been given, and then sink yourself into that. Don't be impressed with yourself. Don't compare yourself with others. Each of you must take responsibility for doing the creative best you can with your own life.

Be very sure now, you who have been trained to a self-sufficient maturity, that you enter into a generous common life with those who have trained you, sharing all the good things that you have and experience.

Don't be misled: No one makes a fool of God. What a person plants, he will harvest. The person who plants selfishness, ignoring the needs of others—ignoring God!—harvests a crop of weeds. All he'll have to show for his life is weeds! But the one who plants in response to God, letting God's Spirit do the growth work in him, harvests a crop of real life, eternal life.

So let's not allow ourselves to get fatigued doing good. At the right time we will harvest a good crop if we don't give up, or quit. Right now, therefore, every time we get the chance, let us work for the benefit of all, starting with the people closest to us in the community of faith.

Galatians 6: 4-10

Today I'm asking for your thoughts, your comments, and your help in understanding some of the things that are on my mind. I'm asking to borrow your eyes for a while. I'm going to write down a few of the things flying around in my head, and if you have something to say about them, please respond with an email or a comment. I promise to keep your thoughts confidential...I just want to know what other people see. OK...here it goes....

1. I think that when people say that they're afraid of change, what they really are is too lazy to change. Not intentionally mind you...just that they may be comfortable where they are, even if they are miserable. I'm not pointing fingers...I'll be the first one to admit that I have that problem a lot of the time. I'm unhappy, but its just easier to stay where I am and complain about it...chalk it up to fear...than to get off of my butt and do something about it. What do you think?

2. Life changes around us...whether we like it or not. Too many people...again, myself included...think that if they can "just do this or that" or " just make it to this or that point" then things will be OK. And they may be for the most part or the accomplishment of a goal. But when you think about who you are today compared to who you were 5, 10, 15 years ago, ask yourself...are you the same? Why not? Was there a pivotal moment that moved you forward or backward? Did you allow that moment to happen or were you too lazy to change? Did you wake up one morning and find that you had been left behind? Did you lose the friends that you needed losing? If not, then what's holding you back? (I do believe that as life changes around us, it's not only natural but healthy to lose people along the way. We may not see it or we may be afraid of it at the time...but I think that in order to become who we were called to be, it has to happen.)

3. What am I reaping...can you tell? Am I being too hard on myself or too easy? What's your opinion? And please don't pull any punches? I'm having a difficult time getting out of the way and letting life happen. I'm asking you to help and to hold me accountable. Paul spoke those words above to the church at Galatia. They are just as valid, if not more so today. I reap what I sow. It's a scary thought, but that doesn't make it any less true. So what do you see?

AT&T got nothing on us...

Ever wonder why you consider some people friends and others family? We all do it. We all have those "non-biological" people in our lives who, for whatever reason, have somehow managed to not only survive the rollercoaster ride that we all experience, but do it standing next to us...holding our hand all the way. I'm not talking about people we date, marry, or even consider our soulmates...although I might argue that last definition at a later time. I mean the people who are so much a part of us that we can't remember our lives without them.

Dave was in a play a few years ago and the tag line at the bottom of the poster had a statement which read something like this...

"I think our friends are our real lovers and our lovers are just the ones we cling to in the dark."

I like that idea...not because I'm giving up on love or the idea of sharing my life with someone...but because I think it might just be true.
I tell people all the time about my family and never really bother to clarify who I mean...when I say "my family," I'm talking about the people I love more than myself.

"I've told you these things for a purpose: that my joy might be your joy, and your joy wholly mature. This is my command: Love one another the way I loved you. This is the very best way to love. Put your life on the line for your friends." John 15:13-14

Want to know how I can tell the difference between my friends and my family? I have the best of times with both...but I'm the most relaxed around my family. I pray the best I can for everyone who is a part of my life...but I constantly kneel before the throne for my family. I disagree with my friends and usually give in so that we can get over it...but I don't give up so easily with my family.

My family...We complain about each other. We fight with each other. We hurt each other. And when push comes to shove...you better believe we love each other. And heaven help you if you try to come between us!

...happy birthday to you!

Happy Birthday Catherine...you make 31 look like 21 and being a mom look like a piece of cake!!
I love you!!
Enjoy your gift and keep it away from the boys!!

...have a nice day.

It’s late and I’m tired. It’s been a long day.

The kind of day you can’t wait to finish.
The kind of day that makes you long for a pillow and the comfort of your own bed.
The kind of day that you know will bring a sleepless night.
The kind of day that can only end with you being tired.

Maybe tired isn’t the right word. Worn-out…Disappointed...Drained…
Yeah…much better adjectives to describe my day.

And yet I can’t stop these lyrics from playing in my head…

All who sail the sea of faith find out before too long…how quickly blue skies can grow dark and gentle winds blow strong. And suddenly fear is like white water pounding on your soul. Still we sail on knowing that our Lord is in control.

That’s me…I’ve been at sea for almost 27 years. Gray skies are nothing new; especially today. Don’t misunderstand…I’m not defeated, just a little exhausted…empty. Maybe that’s why I keep hearing the next part:

Sometimes He calms the storm with a whisper, "Peace… be still." He can settle any sea…but it doesn't mean He will.

That last line is interesting to think about. God can do anything…make all of the stuff around me just stop. With a thought or a spoken word, God can intervene on my behalf and take away all of the things that have come crashing down on me…the things that bring me fear...the things that make me tired…but sometimes he chooses not to. On days like this, all I can ask is, “why?”

Sometimes He holds us close and lets the wind and waves go wild. Sometimes He calms the storm, and other times He calms His child.

Guess that answers my question. He’s calming me today. This day has been so chaotic that I can’t believe he would do otherwise.
Unexpected things have rocked my boat…an email from the past, an impossible situation in the present, and an avoided question about the future.
I believe that the "lordship" of Christ is real...as a Christian, nothing comes to me that hasn't gone through him first. So, I know that everything that has happened today has a purpose...and at the same time, these “things” and “fears” that have come my way today make me wonder why God has so much faith in me, when I seem to have so little in myself. Again…not defeated…just questioning.

He has a reason for each trial that we pass through in life. Though we're shaken we CANNOT be pulled apart from Christ.

Think about that last line for a second…how powerful is that six letter word in the middle? CANNOT…doesn’t leave much room for doubt. And the point sounds somewhat familiar…

“And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord.” Romans 8: 38-39

No matter how the driving rain beats down on those who hold to faith… a heart of trust will always be a quiet peaceful place.

There it is….that’s why he’s calming me today…because through it all, I’m holding on to him. And my faith connects me to his peace…I almost forgot about peace. After a day like today, I needed to be reminded. Thank you God...and thanks for the rain.

Sometimes He calms the storm with a whisper, "Peace… be still." He can settle any sea… but it doesn't mean He will. Sometimes He holds us close and lets the wind and waves go wild. Sometimes He calms the storm, and other times He calms His child.

...fluently spoken here.

OK, I know that just about six entries ago, I went into this whole dialogue of how I lie and manipulate people. Well check out the date. I wrote that almost two years ago…I’m not that person anymore. In fact, I’ve spent a lot of prayer and energy (in that order) to be sure that I never become that person again. Though I had the best of intentions, I wasn’t honest with anyone, including myself. But isn’t the first step to recovery admitting that you have a problem? So I’m patting myself on the back for taking the steps to letting the truth set me free….so now it’s your turn.

I don’t think people believe in the truth anymore. We are so desensitized to honesty that we don’t recognize it when we see it. Maybe it’s because honesty is rare and the truth has become a passing fad. When we hear or experience something that sounds even remotely like it might be true…we wait and listen for “the catch,” before we will even begin to think about accepting it. We have all experienced an event or series of events which have led to a hardening of our hearts…and this way of thinking is nothing new…

“…they are hopelessly confused…their minds are full of darkness; they wander far from the life God gives because they have closed their minds and hardened their hearts against him. Ephesians 4:17-18

My love language is Words of Affirmation. If you’ve read the book, The Five Love Languages, by Gary Chapman, you’ll understand what I’m talking about. If you haven’t, stop reading right now and go buy it. I promise you won’t regret it!!

Words are important to me…so I try not to use them haphazardly. Does that mean that everything that I say is right and that I never use my words to hurt or slander…I wish it did, but I started this entry with the fact that I’m not a liar…so… No.

I use words to say things that I later wish I could take back. I try not to, but it happens. But that doesn’t mean that I’m not an honest, truthworthy person. It just means that I’m human. By the same token, unless I have reason to believe otherwise, I trust and believe that what people say to me is the truth…that doesn’t mean I’m not wise and discerning, it just means that I listen carefully and trust that they mean what they say. I do my best to speak the truth at all times. I don’t choose to live this way because I’m overly optimistic or naive…I live this way because I’m called to do so…

…So from now on there must be no more lies. Speak the truth to one another. Don’t use foul or abusive language. Let everything you say be good and helpful, so that your words will be an encouragement to those who hear them. Ephesians 4:25, 29

I didn’t write it…Paul did. And like Paul, I have been wounded and jaded in life. Like Paul, I have said and done things that I do not look forward to having to answer for when I meet my maker face to face. But like Paul, I have been blinded by the love, the grace, and the mercy of the one who sets my days before me and always speaks the truth. Jesus chose every word carefully…and he spoke the truth in love. I choose to do the same...I will speak the truth...the question is...will you listen?

...I dare you to train with us!!!

So I have a friend with a problem...OK...I have several friends with problems. And we all know what people mean when they say, "I have a friend." The point is, I'm not physically ready for the triathlon that I signed up for a couple of months ago. And at this point, it doesn't look like I'll be participating in it at all. My training partner has a similar lack of motivation. So my friend (and NO I'm not talking about myself... I mean an actual friend) and I decided to spend the next 20 days "working to correct" all of the things that have distracted us from training. We met at Stubb's last night, came up with a plan and a point system, and are committed to this "NEW" triathlon...I've attached the contract and point sheet for your perusal:

no boys…
no booze…
no burritos…

The first annual
“Cleanse your Colon and your Conscience”,
“Out with the Bad, in with the Good”,
“It’s all about Me!”
Memorial Day FAST and TRIATHLON!!!

Beginning midnight, May 6 through midnight, May 27, I agree to actively participate in the above mentioned triathlon. During this challenge, I will avoid at all costs, anything having to do with my obsession for boys, my penchant for booze, and my tendency to overindulge on bad food. If at anytime, I feel the urge or am faced with the temptation to cheat, give in, or otherwise compromise my body, my integrity, or my self-esteem, I understand that I should call the other participant for support 24 hours a day/7 days a week. I further understand that the point system is based on honesty and trust, and I will do everything in my power to show both myself and this challenge the dignity and respect that each deserves.

Signature____________________________date____________
Signature____________________________date____________

Point System

1 pt NO BOOZE
1 pt No Bad Food
1 pt Exercise (1 hr min. ½ pt for each half hour thereafter)
1 pt No Compulsive Texting, Phone, or Email

1 pt Drink 1 gallon of water (Eight 8oz glasses)
1 pt Take 1 multivitamin (# of vitamins in irrelevant)
1 pt Prayer (at least one time each day)
1 pt No Boys (includes dating and flirting…looking is OK)
1 pt Journal or Blog entry (no minimum amount)
1 pt Do 1 positive thing for yourself
1 pt Full night’s rest (8 hours is the goal)
1 pt READ
1 pt Sit-ups and Crunches
1 pt NO TALKING about Weight

WEEKEND Points are DOUBLE (due to level of difficulty)
2 pts Attend Church (Bedside Baptist is not a place)
2 pts No Bad Food
2 pts Hermiting…Go out and DO SOMETHING
2 pts Make 1 good contact with someone

Total points

I actually created a table to help us keep track...if you decide to find a friend to join the triathlon with us, let me know and I'll email you our point tracking sheet.

I think it's really important to do this for ourselves...especially at a time of year when so many things are changing and begging for our attention and time. It's easy to lose focus of what's important and healthy...So I hope this challenge will make a long term difference for both of us.

And the best part is...I get to count this entry as 1 point!!!

See you tomorrow!!!

...is this love?

Want to know what's on my mind today? My feelings and emotions can best be described through the questions asked by Jim Peterik in his band's 1986 hit single...

I've heard talk of blind devotion...lovers through thick and thin.
Lives touched with real emotion...faithful til the bitter end.
NOW...I must admit, though the story's attractive, I've lost in far too many affairs.
I've seen all the pain that the morning can bring.
I need to prove to myself this is more than a crush...can you convince me it's not just a physical rush?

Is this love that I'm feeling?
Is this love that's been keeping me up all night?
Is this love that I'm feeling? Is this love?

So many nights, in blind confusion, I've walked the line of love.
We reach out in disillusion...when one night isn't nearly enough.
NOW...I'd like to know that for once in my life I'm sure of what tomorrow may bring.
I've heard all your talk...can I take it to heart?
Now look me straight in the eye, 'cause tonight is the night.
We've got to ask each other if the moment is right.

Is this love that I'm feeling?
Is this love that's been keeping me up all night?
Is this love that I'm feeling? Is this love?

I've tread those mean streets...blind alley's where the currency of love changes hands.
All touch, no feeling, just another one-night-stand.
I need to know that there's someone who cares...Could you be the angel to answer my prayers?

So that's what's on my mind today...and it's all good! And by the way...if you are someone special reading this and wondering how to answer this question for yourself, let me tell you that I've done exactly that. I'm not sure what your answer would be...but I can tell you mine...it's YES...don't believe me?...read my mind! :0)

I'm a runner...

I’m tired of all the things in life that make me miss it. I’m tired of saying something as a promise, then having to live up to it. I’m tired of things always being so much harder than I expected. I’m tired of not having it all figured out yet. I’m tired of whining! But most of all...I'm tired of running.

I spent some time at the Austin Rock Gym today with Mike. It’s a great place to go if you are at all interested in rock-climbing and I would highly recommend it to anyone as a fun activity. Now, the gym itself is in a warehouse off of Lamar and upon first entering the building, you may think to yourself, “That’s it? I can get through this in about 15 minutes…I thought this was going to be fun.” And if this is your reaction, I promise that you’ll regret it as soon as you start to climb. The courses are a lot harder than they look and you wear yourself out a lot faster than you can imagine.

To climb in the gym, the colored tape marks the level of difficulty for each course. Mike is a master of being able to stand on the ground and map out exactly how to navigate through the course to reach the goal at the top. He has a great analytical skill and a discernment that allow him to see the way to the top, long before he even starts. I on the other hand seem to do better when I “just go for it” and start to climb. So long as I focus on the next rock ahead of me, I can quickly and seemingly gracefully make it to the finish line...and therein lies my problem. This is a great strategy for the gym...not so much for life.

I realized today that life is one long moment of inertia. When you climb on the rocks, sometimes you get uncomfortable...and the only way to move to the next grip is to push off with your foot, away from the safety and security of the wall, and throw your hand toward the rock that you HOPE you will be able to grip. It’s a lot easier to do in the gym than in real life. See, I also realized today that I have a habit of running away when things are uncomfortable…not difficult or overwhelming…that at least would be understandable. I just tend to run when I’m uncomfortable.

I run when I’m tired of fighting. Lately, when push comes to shove, I find myself falling over with the smallest nudge. Things are difficult at work, so I don’t stand up for what I believe in…I hear myself say, “if I can just make it through the next [so many] days.”

I run when I’m lonely. I know what I believe in my soul, without a shadow of a doubt; but when I can’t express it in a way that someone else can understand…I cut my losses and move on. I allow myself to fall in love with someone, and when I don’t think that they are falling back quickly enough, I begin to fear the worst. I tell them that I will be patient and I mean it…but how can I help them see that?

I run when I’m faced with making a decision. The lease on my apartment, the contract on my job, and the last car payment on my jeep all fall on May 31. I’m telling people that it’s a sign that I should make a change, but that would mean making some decisions…so I don’t. Making decisions requires effort, and I’m usually too tired from running to expend the energy.

All of the above being said…here is the kick in the rubber parts. Now that I know I’m a runner…the question becomes, “What am I running FROM and what am I running TO?” Knowing my penchant toward procrastination, you won’t get an answer anytime soon on this blog. But I do hope that I will have the answer soon for myself. I’ll let you know ASAP…or whenever I get around to it.
PS. Thank you Mr. Kenney…It’s good to know that, when I'm trying to run and I need an obstacle to slow me down, I can always count on you to be in the way!!